Tag: Attitude

Learning to Speak

It is hard to speak to people when you have grown up introverted and the thought of carrying on a conversation is not pleasant. It is important to keep to oneself so this doesn’t happen. Besides, there is nothing wrong with being in my own company. These thoughts are what used to go through my mind as a youngster and still do, at times.

My family was very supportive and open throughout my younger years. The home was a secure and happy place. I don’t know what caused me to be introverted. My brother and sister didn’t seem to have the same affliction.  Sports was my activity of choice if I had to be out among people.

As I grew into my mid- to late teens, being introverted became more and more an issue. I’m not sure when but when I came to the realization that I had to come out of this in order to be “normal” and successful. This process was vital and I had to take steps to improve the situation.

The first thing I did was realize I had to change my perception of conversations up to this point, thoughts such as I don’t have anything to say, what I might say is not important, what if the person thinks it is stupid, I don’t want to do this. My self-talk around these thoughts had to change.

I had to learn that a conversation is between two or more people.  The other person consciously or unconsciously is having the same thoughts as I am. Their behaviors, like mine, will be dictated by the responses they receive.  For example, if I said the sky was blue and the other person thought it was red, doubt creeps in for them.  Understanding that the other person was going through the same emotions boosted my self-confidence.

The next thing was to realize that the interaction is just a conversation.  It is not an earth-shattering event or a world changing moment.  I did not need to make so much of it and just express myself and move on.

Next, I decided to prepare for conversations by being someone else.  This may seem a bit weird, but it worked. As I began or entered a conversation, I became someone whom I knew loved to talk, I kept this persona into the introduction and start of the conversation then reverted to myself.  I wonder if the other person ever noticed the change of energy.

Another change was to learn to enjoy the conversation.  Instead of dreading it, I was determined to try to learn something from each one.  This caused me to listen better and to look forward to speaking to someone.

From a career perspective I knew I had to be able to speak. I never took any communication classes or public speaking in school but knew I had to change my behavior. I decided early in business to become an entry level trainer.  This forced me to speak to people one-on-one and in groups. The key was that I knew the subject matter and they didn’t! This one concept served me well in my public speaking career.

In summary, all the points mentioned allowed me to break free of being an introvert.  It is still buried deep down but has had its time.  Learning to speak is all about self-confidence and knowing the environment around each conversation or presentation.  That environment can be controlled by you to enable yourself to be confident and enjoy the moment.  I can now totally choose which conversations to participate in rather than avoid all of them at any cost.  Go forth and speak boldly!! 😊

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The Hidden Needs of Others

There is a YouTube video, link attached, that illustrates the true ability of a person to see behind the obvious. It is a video that is very strong and very powerful in communicating what goes on behind our perceptions. It is also a video that talks about ourselves and how we are motivated or defined by our attitude and how our attitude can be worked up in such a manner that we fail to see things as they really are.  

We have this in our lives everyday where we allow external factors to affect the way we are perceiving things or allow our attitudes to be affected. For example, you are in a management position and you work with customers. On most days, the customers’ energy is what brings you satisfaction and happiness in your position because most people enjoy shopping and making purchases, but occasionally you have that customer who is negative, complaining and it seems you simply can’t do anything to please this person. The longer this negative interaction continues, the more your attitude is soured for that hour or day. Therefore, for the remainder of that period, your perceptions of what you see and hear are tainted, all because of that one negative customer. Some people can allow that to roll off their shoulders and are able to maintain their positive attitude, but negative people drain us of our positive energy.  

Spending our day interacting with people can affect how we continue to communicate with others and how we treat them, and, I would say, how we are treated in return, because what we give is what we receive. It takes practice to train ourselves to be consistent in our actions and to be willing to understand the treatment we are receiving from others. We need to look in the mirror and see our reflection. It only requires taking a five second pause from what we’re doing, standing back and asking, “what’s going on, where are you right now, and where do you want to be?” This is something we normally don’t do but should.  The reflection we see is our attitude going to work on our perceptions.  Sometimes we are worked up to the point of being close to pulling an emotional “trigger”.  Emotional triggers come in many different situations – a teacher demeaning a student’s homework, an athlete who hears boos from the crowd. What does that do to his or her performance going forward? These determine how we communicate and how our attitude can change because of external factors.  

The reason we are talking about this today is because of our perceptions of others and whether we are actually seeing them or not and understanding what is going on behind the action. The video I mentioned really brings this to light, as it shows a man going through a typical day. It also shows how perceptions work him up toward his response level. He is looking at people through a certain filter and not seeing the entire picture. It is paramount for us as we go through each day, to understand where the other person is coming from. Unless we do not want to deal with people at all, it is always going to be something that we need to look at. Some people are very good at it and some are not. I know many people, who, when I enter a conversation with them, it is a very one-sided conversation. People love to talk about themselves and talk about themselves constantly. When they are doing that, obviously there are some thoughts and perceptions that are going on with the person they are talking to. For example, a thought might be I wonder if they’re ever going to ask about me? I wonder if they are even concerned about anything I am going through? I wonder how this person can be so egotistical? Each one of those thoughts or feelings creates a perception of the speaker, but if you turn it around and look at that person and wonder why they are talking so much and why are they so self-involved, there are probably multiple answers. We may never know where that person is coming from.  

The video below reflects what one person sees and what happens when he does not take into consideration other people’s needs.  When we all look at ourselves in the mirror and take the time to understand others, it means better communication for both sides and probably more understanding about the needs of other people.  

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Reality Exposed

Whether it be in business or life, we always run into situations that call for a decision. Whether we know it or not, we’re always making this decision based upon our knowledge, our experience, or our awareness around us. That decision is whether to be in the real world or be in a made-up world.

This may sound a little funny but what this is referring to is how we may appear, communicate or interact depending upon the situation. In other words, are we going to be completely truthful in the situation, are we going to be our natural self when we are involved in some way with another individual. Everyday we’re making those decisions. Every conversation means we are taking stock of the situation and responding in some way. Let me give you an example – let’s say you are preparing to ask someone to go to dinner and you perceive the person as an extrovert and you are not quite an extrovert but not a true introvert. In your judgment of the situation means you need to be very gregarious, outgoing and enthusiastic about the asking. Therefore, you are going a bit outside your normal personality. Now this is a very simple situation, but it does reflect how we tweak our realities based upon the perceptions we have of the situation or issue.

In other words, we want to try to establish our own reality in that situation and sometimes it means we must alter our own initial reality to get where we want to go or to receive what we want to receive. If you think about your own situations, how do you think different issues correlate to this? It is something we all run into from time to time, but it’s daily, if not hourly, that this situation happens because when you think about it, each time someone enters your space, they are changing your reality to a certain degree and you are changing your reality to a certain degree to adjust to whatever the issue may be.

It is said you should be true to your nature, but we can’t always do that because staying true to your nature means no one impacts you, no one changes the way you see things, so the way you see things is the way it is at that time. Is every reaction you have exactly who you are? Not necessarily. People change us just as much as we change them. What we need to be aware of is how much someone is changing our reality or how much we’re changing our reality for them.

Another example is if you look at business relationships such as boss to employee.  An employee is always trying to be the perfect subordinate even when that is not necessarily their nature or their reality. I’m not saying they should be a bad employee, I’m just saying they are not being themselves. When they are not being themselves and just saying what the boss wants to hear they are creating a perception that may not be reality.  We have to be aware of ourselves and who we are, and, unless we are aware of the nature of the person we are talking to, we can’t help but change some realities.  We have to make the choice of who we are  going to be and the frustration for many comes when they look back and realize, “that was not who I am”.

If we want to be as consistent as possible, we must know who we are and what we want and need to have a philosophy of life that initiates a nature that is easy to project. What that means is, if you have a philosophy of life that says, “seek happiness in everything you do,” then your projection reflects that attitude.

Typically, what you give is what you will receive. If you are consistent in what you project, then what you receive is going to be will be in like manner.  If you are always smiling at people, I would be willing to bet that you are constantly receiving smiles in return.
The bottom line is, know who you are, know what you want, know how to give, know your philosophy of life and understand as much as you can the nature of other people. Joy is found in drawing people into the reality of happiness and contentment.

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Dreams to Reality

In the vast area we call imagination it is incredible to think of what goes on there and what triggers the thoughts we have about our life and about our future. It is a wondrous thing to know that we can imagine anything we want in life and the only restraint we have is our own parameters or borders we place on ourselves. In other words, the entire space around us is our oyster.

We can do anything we want in our imagination and it is intriguing to think that we can work with people who lack imagination, at least initially. It is when the doors open in their mind, in their attitude, in their view of things, that they can realize there is so much more that could be theirs or could be their future.

When this is all being put together and developed, how do you take that imagination, develop that into what is called dreams and then turn that into reality? I think that much like the imagination itself, creating a reality can be just as difficult because of the parameters or borders we put on ourselves. As a racehorse going down the track with blinders on, sometimes that is the way we view our life and we are not open to what could be. So again, how do we turn dreams into reality?

Everything having to do with our mind and our attitude begins in our head. It is what is between the ears that is creating the will or the ability to move from dream to reality and sometimes the defining factors that will or will not move that dream to reality is a simple thing called fear. What happens if my dream actually comes true? How will I handle it? We must be willing to go out on a ledge and acknowledge the fact that what we imagined is coming true and then celebrate it, be joyful for it, feel gratitude. These are all the components that not only help you realize dreams, but help you appreciate them and dream more.

I think one of the things that folks don’t do is that they don’t dream big enough. They look at their current situation and decide that it is about as good as it will get. They don’t realize that our capacity for more is huge. We need to take that fear and turn it around. We need to understand that fear is just one of the components that we are always going to be running into. To turn dreams into reality you must first have the self-talk that says, “I can do it” and secondly, that the self-talk is saying “It’s coming to me, it’s being provided for me.” You also must have the self-talk that says, “I want to do this.” This is critical. Many people think of things but there isn’t much want to.

It is a matter of “I’m comfortable the way I am, so why should I grab more even though it is a dream of mine?” Once we have overcome the fear, once we realize that we have the want to, we must have the action. Dreams remain only dreams until action is put to them. When action is put to dreams, you have reality, and just imagine the reality of achieving a dream. It is something that we all want in our lives. We start out in life with high hopes, aspirations, goals, and yes, big dreams, but throughout the course of each segment of our life, we lose a component of that dream. We lose a segment that may be critical to moving it into reality. There comes a point, and maybe the point is right here reading this article, that you remove the fear, that you convince yourself of the want to, and you take action.

That last one, taking action, doesn’t have to be as difficult as it sounds. Sometimes people wait until all the pieces are in place before action is taken and sometimes people interpret action as being a huge project. Sometimes the smallest steps are the beginning to realizing a dream, so I say to you, take some time, look in a mirror and ask yourself “What are my dreams?” Take those first steps.

If you need guidance, accountability or just a mentor, click on the link below.

www.craigfergusson.com – Mini Workshops: “Purpose” & “Goal”

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